Bully Victim? Once a victim always a victim?  Becoming a bully magnet?

 It’s happened; your child tells you they are being bullied. You talk to them only to find out it has been going on for months. You talk to the authorities which could include school officials, sports club coaches, daycare operators, municipal government and even police. Their solution, move your child to a new location such as a new classroom. Things are fine for awhile then it starts again. Soon they are moved to a new school, another new classroom, then another new school, then a new community, a new sports club and yet each time things are fine for a while then it starts again. You are frustrated, angry and stressed to the limit. By now, even you and your spouse are disliked everywhere you go. Why and how could this happen?

 The answer lies in realizing and understanding bully victimization. Bully victimization is no different then any criminal victimization and the reactions are the same only most people don’t realize it.

 Bullying leaves victims and those close to them in a state where they are not thinking as clearly as they usually do, and they may feel overwhelmed. There is often physical injury connected with victimization and usually financial loss, but the most devastating part for many bully victims is the emotional pain caused by the bullying. It is difficult for many victims to understand that someone else wanted to hurt them. The experience of becoming a bully victim can shatter a person’s life in a variety of ways.

 Bullying that goes on for more than a few months causes severe negative stress. This severe negative stress is what happens when we are "out of balance." All people exist in a normal state of balance. Each person has their own sense of balance, usually based on a certain understanding about how things are "supposed to be" in the world. When a stressful event like prolonged bullying occurs, a person will be pushed out of their state of balance, and it will cause them to feel uncomfortable. They will need to take some steps to get back in balance, where they will feel comfortable again. Most people, most of the time, respond effectively to stressful events, but prolonged stressful events like the repeated nature of bullying and feeling of being out of control is more than most people can endure.

 "Everyday Wellness"
The term "Everyday Wellness" describes the condition a person is in when he is not in distress or crisis. It means that, given whatever resources he has in life, he is doing the very best he can. Even though he may have problems, he is still having mostly "good days." Click here for more information

 When a person is bullied, especially a child, the reaction can be different for each person. Because of the repeated and progressive nature of bullying, it is often not a minor stressor, but a major one. The victim may feel very uncomfortable (in a state of "crisis").

It then becomes very difficult for them to easily restore a sense of balance in life. They can no longer think clearly about what has or is happening and their feelings about the bullying, loss of friends and the betrayal of the authorities may be very strong. It can take a very long time and a lot of work to get back to the point where the victim feels comfortable again (in balance). When the victim does establish a new sense of balance, it will be different than the balance they had before. They now see the world very differently. For example (this is especially true for children) the victim usually will not trust others, especially from their peer group and may be afraid to do the things they normally do, or go to the places they normally go without someone there to support and protect them.

 When a person experiences repeated bullying it is very stressful and can be called a “crisis”. In the case of bullying, it is “chronic” due to the repeated nature of the events. When there is a crisis such as repeated bullying, the victim will react when they reach their limit and can’t take it anymore and the reaction is composed of two parts: physical and emotional. They are often closely connected and greatly resemble the reaction of crime victims, after all, bullying and all abuse is a crime.

The Physical Response to Crisis (Body Reactions)

• Physical shock, disorientation, and numbness: "frozen with fright”. This may only last a few seconds, while a person’s body realizes that something is wrong or that the situation is dangerous.
• The "fight-or-flight" instinct: (This happens when a person’s body tries to defend itself against the danger by fighting or by running away from the danger). Either way, the body goes through many changes:
• The person may feel like throwing up.
• The person may suffer from panic attacks and anxiety.
• The person’s heart rate may speed up.
• The person may suddenly feel weak and tense and unable to perform physical activity properly.
• The person may breathe faster, sweat, or find it difficult to be still.
• The person may have strong physical experiences of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting or touching
• The person may become depressed
• The person may start trying to avoid contact with others to prevent another attack.
• It is important for a victim to know that they have no control over how their body reacts to a crisis. Their body is doing what it needs to do to help them survive. It may be useful to remind the victim that although some of his body’s reactions might be embarrassing, they are normal.

Victims of bullying will experience many bad feelings. Many victims will find it difficult to admit that they are victims of bullying, and may pretend that it is not happening. This may go on for months, even years. Victims often become much more dependant, and may need to be taken care of by others, they may need someone to go with them and stay with them in locations they feel unsafe and uncomfortable in. They frequently can’t explain it, but no matter where they want to go, they won’t go unless someone they trust goes with them. Victims of bullying have lost their self-confidence, their self-esteem and mostly their sense of safety. They will also have lost their ability to easily trust people especially peers.

 Acting like a Bully Magnet

 All of these reactions are caused by the bullying, but what few realize is that these reactions are frequently visible in the victim’s body language. The victim may walk with their head down, shoulders slumped forward, the look of fear in their face and their voice may even have a tone to it that screams fear. When bullies and even victim/bullies (those that are victims in one place and bullies in another) see these traits in a person, they immediately know that they can bully this person without fear of any reprisal. Because of this, the bully victim can almost be said to advertise with body language their helplessness.  Combine this with always needing someone present to make them feel safe and it isn’t long before the victim is once again the target of bullies.

 Rebuilding Balance
The reconstruction of a new balance is the process of putting one’s life together again after a crime has happened. Click here for very good information. It deals with victims of crime; bully victims react exactly the same way and experience the same feelings and responses.

 If a victim is treated with dignity, compassion and respect, they may have less difficulty dealing with these immediate and long-term crisis reactions. If they are treated poorly, these reactions may be made worse. When such reactions are worsened, the actions of others are called the "social injury." Some examples of social injuries are as follows:

• People in positions of authority, friends, class mates, fellow athletes in a sports club may not believe the victim when they try to talk about the bullying.
• The story about the bullying may be a source of "gossip" in the community, school and/or sports club. This can embarrass the victim, especially if the facts are reported incorrectly, if personal information about the victim is given, or if the victim is made to appear foolish, weak, a loner or unlikable.
• Friends, neighbors and the authorities may not be helpful or understanding. They may "blame" the victim (not always on purpose) for what happened or they may not want the victim to talk about it because it could cause the bully shame.
• Doctors or nurses may not always identify physical injuries as being bully-related.
• Other sources of social injury include mental health professionals, social service workers, victim service workers, schools or educators, victim compensation systems, disability program workers, and employers.

Anyone who comes in contact with a victim can cause a social injury, through lack of information, lack of awareness of victim trauma, or by treating the victim without respect, dignity or compassion.

Bullying and Victimization Among Canadian School Children

What we've learned about Victimization