Bully Invalidation


One of the worst feelings a victim of bullying can have is one of invalidation, after the beatings, humiliation, taunting threatening, glaring, ostracizing etc. people in positions of authority then tell you your feelings about what has happened to you are wrong. This is called invalidation and is one of the most harmful acts authorities do to bully victims. This invalidation can be inflicted upon both children and adults; however it is particularly harmful to a child who is counting on the authorities for protection.

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotional brain-- one of nature's most basic survival tools. To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. The emotional processes which worked for him as a child may begin to work against him as an adult. In fact, one definition of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment"

Psychiatrist R.D. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them.

Recent research by Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. of Duke University supports the idea that invalidation leads to mental health problems. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further, emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and anxiety symptoms.)

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she/he shouldn't feel the way she/he does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet; grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person’s feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

 Below are a few of the many ways we are invalidated:
•    We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
•    We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
•    We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
•    We are ignored
•    We are judged
•    We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel

All invalidation is a form of psychological attack. When we are attacked, our survival instinct tells us to defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack. Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression.

Invalidation has been suggested as one of the primary reasons people cut, burn and injure themselves.

One factor common to most people who self-injure, whether they were abused or not, is invalidation, they were taught at an early age that their interpretations of and feelings about the things around them were bad and wrong. They learned that certain feelings weren't allowed. In abusive homes, they may have been severely punished for expressing certain thoughts and feelings.
 
Examples of Invalidation

Trying to Isolate You
You are the only one who feels that way.
It doesn't bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

Judging & Labeling You
You are a cry baby.
You have a problem.
You are too sensitive.
You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.
You are way too emotional.
You are an insensitive jerk. .
You need to get your head examined!
You are impossible to talk to.
You are impossible.
You are hopeless.

Turning Things Around
You are making a big deal out of nothing.
You are blowing this way out of proportion.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Trying to get you to question yourself
What is your problem?
What's wrong with you?
What's the matter with you?
Why can't you just get over it?
Why do you always have to ....?
Is that all you can do, complain?
Why are you making such a big deal over it?
What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?
How can you let a little thing like that bother you?
Don't you think you are being a little dramatic?
Do you really think that crying about it is going to help anything?

Laying Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?
What about my feelings?!
Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

The bully/victim relationship is a perfect setting for Invalidation. The bully usually has many supporters and the victim usually has none. This gives the bully the freedom to say anything they want and the authorities will usually believe it because it is easier to believe a bully than a victim, especially if the victim has nothing but their word to back their story. Invalidation by the authorities is extremely harmful to a child because it gives the child a confusing feeling that there is something wrong with them instead of the bully. When invalidation is combined with a fake investigation, it makes the victim feel as if being alive is a mistake. They feel that they are the problem not the bully.

When a victim comes forward with a bully complaint, instead of hearing kind and caring words, they usually find themselves being accused of somehow being responsible for everything that’s happened to them. They are told they are over reacting, too sensitive or there’s nothing wrong with what the other person is doing. They are told the other person is not acting in an obnoxious or abusive manner which implies that the authority figure is going to determine for you what obnoxious and abusive is. This implies that your feelings are unimportant to them as they will determine everything you should and shouldn’t feel.

With this type of invalidating treatment by the authorities, is it any wonder our children are always angry, frustrated, depressed and filled with rage. It is because they know they really can’t turn to anyone without fear of being invalidated or attacked that they usually turn to no one. In the end, the victim will do anything they can to stop feeling bad. This can include drugs, drinking, self harm or crime. What every direction the child takes, it would be safe to say the authorities directly influenced the path.